While Mother’s Day is enjoyed by many families for honouring and acknowledging all that our mothers do for us, it can be a difficult time for parents who are divorced or going through the process of separation. Whether it is your first time navigating it of if you have been through it before, it can bring up a bittersweet feeling if you are spending it without your children or if you are struggling to figure out plans with your ex.
If the day doesn’t fall during your usual time with the kids, working out an arrangement can be tricky, especially if things aren’t particularly amicable. In an ideal world, flexibility and understanding would make it easier, but that doesn’t always feel possible.
If you’re feeling a little anxious about Mother’s Day this year, you’re not alone. It may not look exactly how you imagined, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make it meaningful. Here are some ways to take control of the day, manage your emotions, and celebrate in a way that works for you.
As a mother, one of the key challenges of Mother’s Day is how you agree who the children will spend the day with if the date falls outside of your usual time with them.
If it’s not your weekend to be with the children, whether you spend time with them this Mother’s Day depends very much on how amicable you and your ex-partner are.
Hopefully, in most cases, mutual flexibility and respect will be in place and you can easily agree that the kids can spend time with their Mum. However, this is not always possible, and this can be difficult to deal with.
Handling the emotions of a Mother’s Day without your children is going to be difficult. Of course, you would prefer to be with your children, but if you cannot then there some things you can put in place to help you deal with it as best you can.
Plan ahead for Mother’s Day
If Mother’s Day falls on a date when you wouldn’t usually be with your children, then some pre-planning can help. Talk to your ex-partner in advance to see if you can swap weekends/days so you can spend the day with your children, and ensure that you reciprocate this for Father’s Day.
Perhaps you could agree how you will deal with days that are important to you and your ex-partner in your parenting plan and ensure that the same rules apply to each of you.
Mother’s Day your way
Does Mother’s Day really have to be on a specific date? Not at all! Take charge and plan your own special Mother’s Day when you have the kids. Involve them in choosing something fun to do together. This can make the day more meaningful and ease any discomfort they may feel.
Treat yourself
If your children are pre-school age, a card and gift may not be likely. Older children may make a homemade card at school and perhaps friends or family will step in so that you’re treated to a surprise gift. However, why not buy your own gift? At least you can get something that you truly like!
Do something different with your Mother’s Day after divorce
Use this as an excuse to take the opportunity to do something different with your time. For example, you could gather your friends who aren’t mothers, or for whom Mother’s Day is difficult, and arrange a meal or day out. Or you could spend time with your own Mum and enjoy some dedicated time together. Or go to that place you’ve wanted to go to for a while but haven’t found the time yet. Visiting a new place can do wonders to lift your mood.
Stay off social media
Take a digital detox for the day and avoid social media. Seeing pictures of others enjoying time with their children may make you feel worse and knock you off course with your alternative Mother’s Day. And remember, people share the highlights of their lives on social media. It’s a cherry-picked snapshot rather the reality of the whole day.
Remember, Mother’s Day is just one day
Finally, Mother’s Day is just one day and you are not alone. It can be tough for all kinds of reasons. Shift the focus away from the day itself and put your energy into prioritising yourself and making it your own.
Kate Nestor is a divorce coach at Stowe Family Law
