by Clare Crump Mindset Coaching
Sometimes the behaviour we see is only part of the story.
As parents, it’s easy to become focused on behaviour.
The arguments.
The tears.
The refusal.
The emotional outbursts.
The endless negotiations over things that seem so simple.
We naturally find ourselves asking:
“How do I stop this behaviour?”
But over the years, I’ve learnt that a far more helpful question is:
“What is this behaviour trying to tell me?”
Because behaviour is often communication.
A child who shouts may not be trying to be difficult.
They may be overwhelmed.
A child who refuses to start a task may not be lazy.
They may not know where to begin.
A child who appears angry may actually be anxious.
A child who walks away may simply have reached the point where their brain can no longer process another instruction.
When we only focus on stopping the behaviour, we often miss the reason it is happening in the first place.
That doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be boundaries.
Children need boundaries.
But they also need adults who are curious enough to look underneath what they can see.
Throughout my career in education, and now as a mindset coach, I have worked with many children who simply experience the world differently.
Some are neurodivergent.
Some are home educated.
Some are waiting for assessments.
Some don’t have a diagnosis at all.
What they all have in common is this:
They are trying their best with the brain and body they have.
Parents often arrive saying,
“We’ve tried everything.”
Reward charts.
Consequences.
Taking things away.
Sticker charts.
More routines.
More reminders.
More consistency.
Sometimes those approaches help.
Sometimes they don’t.
When they don’t, it isn’t because you’re a bad parent.
And it isn’t because your child is choosing to make life difficult.
It may simply be that you’ve been trying to solve the wrong problem.
I often explain it like this.
Imagine your child’s behaviour is the warning light on the dashboard of a car.
You could cover the light with a piece of tape so you don’t have to look at it anymore.
But the engine underneath is still asking for attention.
Behaviour works in much the same way.
It’s often the signal that something underneath needs understanding.
That might be anxiety.
Overwhelm.
Sensory overload.
Frustration.
Feeling misunderstood.
Fear of getting something wrong.
Difficulty organising thoughts.
Or simply a brain that processes the world differently.
One of the biggest changes I see in families happens when parents stop asking,
“How do I make this stop?”
and begin asking,
“What might my child be finding difficult right now?”
That single question changes conversations.
It changes relationships.
And often, it changes the child.
Not because the child suddenly becomes different.
But because they finally feel understood.
As someone who never really felt I fitted in growing up, I know how powerful it is when just one adult takes the time to understand rather than judge.
Children don’t need adults who have all the answers.
They need adults who are willing to stay curious.
Because understanding doesn’t remove every challenge.
But it is almost always where change begins.
A Different Question to Ask This Week
The next time your child reacts in a way you weren’t expecting, pause for a moment before responding.
Instead of asking:
“Why are you behaving like this?”
Try asking yourself:
“What might be making this feel so hard for them?”
You may not always know the answer immediately.
But asking a different question is often the first step towards finding one.
About the Author
Clare Crump has worked in education for many years, teaching, advising, training, mentoring and coaching children and adults across the country. She now supports children, young people and families across Shropshire through practical mindset coaching, helping those experiencing anxiety, emotional regulation difficulties, executive-function challenges and low confidence.
Clare has extensive experience supporting neurodivergent children and young people, including those who are home educated, learning outside a traditional school environment or awaiting assessment. Her approach focuses on understanding the child first, building on their strengths and creating practical strategies that work for the individual and their family.
Find out more at claremindsetcoaching.com
