(See what I did there, Google?)
Owning a marketing business (see what I did there, Google?) is an honour for me, as we literally have our clients’ hopes and dreams at stake and we have to be extremely careful with how we advise and deploy marketing strategies for them. This week, we have had some amazing successes in delivering leads for them, and at the same time some unsuccessful pitches to new clients trying to convey just how good we are. I know if you’re reading this, you could be thinking, why is this agency owner blowing his own trumpet, but I think we should really celebrate our victories and our successes, it’s the storytelling narrative right?
But being in the UK, I get the sense that by the sheer nature of our culture it’s frowned upon almost, you can’t say exactly how you did something for the fear of losing something, and you cannot brag. I sent a sales email out this week recounting our successes and the open rate was lower than expected, presumably because I neglected to preface the email with a heartfelt apology for existing.
I was informed this week ever so politely, of course, that because my agency doesn’t employ an army of full-time staff glued to rolling chairs, we weren’t even granted the privilege of pitching. Charming, really.
You may be wondering why I’m reporting this at all. Honestly, same. But the point is rather revealing: many larger companies seem committed to the safest possible option, which apparently translates to “let’s hire the agency with the most people loitering in the office kitchen.”
Because naturally, nothing ever goes wrong when you have more employees. After all, there’s absolutely no chance they’ll lose focus, deliver mediocre work, or spend their days perfecting the art of looking busy, while the agency is steered by a board of ravenous shareholders whose primary KPI is “profit at the expense of value.” No, no, impossible.
The irony, of course, is that my agency is perfectly positioned to tap into the army of wildly experienced 40 and 50 somethings who were unceremoniously blasted by Faceless HR’s on Teams screens from the workforce during the Great Reset of 2020. You remember when we were all told to stay indoors for reasons no one now recalls without squinting.
But yes, absolutely, let’s prioritise the agency with the largest payroll. What could go wrong?
The photo is of Brandon, my son, and resident apprentice here at the agency. He has absolutely nothing to do with this article, contributes nothing to the narrative, and is only included because I’m his Dad, and therefore contractually obligated to embarrass him in public. He works at a marketing company near me (yes, that marketing company near me, please Google accordingly), and today he’s heroically tackling some old-school customer leaflets. That’s right: leaflets. Printed. On paper. Delivered by hand, like medieval content distribution. Shockingly, this ancient marketing ritual still works, largely because no one has figured out how to install ad-blockers on doors.
Marketing companies near me
Ah yes, I’ve now remembered the noble purpose of this article: to casually sprinkle the phrase “marketing companies near me” throughout, thus ensuring I majestically dominate the SEO results, because nothing says good leadership like shameless keyword stuffing.
Of course, this tactic works… and doesn’t. Case in point: I recently heard of yet another company dazzled by an agency promising a glittering constellation of top-ranking keywords. They paid handsomely for this digital sorcery, and, to be fair, the agency delivered rank 1 to 3 across a buffet of phrases. Bravo.
Minor detail, though: no one bothered to check the Share of Voice. Because why measure whether anyone actually searches those terms when you can simply admire your own brilliance from page one of Google at £X per month?
Naturally, there was no outreach, no authority building, no actual strategy, just borderline keyword cosplay. And so, once again, we find ourselves wandering into the dusty frontier known affectionately as Cowboy Country. I wonder if I rank for this keyphrase, I’ll suddenly see my own accounts grow.
So called SEO marketing experts
I recently hired a so called SEO “expert” and I use the word expert in the same way one might describe a five-year-old with a magnifying glass as a scientist. Lovely person, mid-twenties, spoke fluent buzzword, impeccably hydrated, owned a laptop covered in stickers proclaiming things like Hustle, Work Smarter, and Anti-Capitalist But Still Wants Brand Deals.
Naturally, I assumed this meant competency.
It did not.
Our first strategy meeting consisted of them suggesting we “just use ChatGPT to write 100 blogs a day” and “maybe buy some backlinks off Fiverr because they’re, like, cheap and instant.” Insightful. Revolutionary. The ghost of Google wept somewhere. Ok, I’m over exaggerating, but I hope you can see the picture. I actually didn’t find out this had happened until I launched an investigation.
When I asked about key metrics, impressions, CTR, share of voice, and domain authority, they stared at me as though I’d requested they explain quantum physics using finger puppets. Instead, they proudly presented a spreadsheet showing… drumroll… rankings for keywords no human has ever searched in the history of the internet.
Yes, technically we ranked number one.
For phrases with a monthly search volume of zero.
An incredible achievement, like winning gold at the Olympics when no one else turned up.
Attempts to guide them were met with the characteristic confidence of someone who has watched one YouTube tutorial called SEO In 7 Minutes (Passive Income Hack!!!) and now believes they should be Head of Digital Strategy for Google itself. I was told many times to stay out of the engine room, I mean, come on, it’s my company, I’m allowed to walk where I want, surely? Imagine saying that to Steve Jobs back in the day…
And of course, the work schedule was something to behold. They were very committed to flexibility, meaning the working day began around 11:17am (once the iced coffee had been secured) and concluded promptly at 2:39pm, because “burnout is real” and apparently thinking counts as working overtime now. Oh, and the endless training videos left on repeat an hour before the bell, proclaiming it was training.
The attitude was less “I want to learn” and more “Why am I not already CEO?” despite not knowing the difference between organic traffic and paid ads. Honestly you couldn’t write this, as my company bled to death by an over paid salary and clients asking why deadlines were being missed.
By the time I realised the only thing they were optimising was their own lifestyle, it was too late. They parted ways with us gracefully, no doubt to pursue their passion for creating motivational TikToks about entrepreneurship filmed from bed, accompanied by captions like “Never settle for a job that expects effort.”
Meanwhile, I’m here doing something radical—actual work.
This marketing company near me has survived
If you’re still reading, I can only assume it’s because you’re mildly fascinated by the ongoing circus that is my life as the agency owner. Perhaps you’re here for the authenticity, the gritty behind-the-scenes saga of the last couple of months, during which I’ve been cheerfully battered by economic headwinds which is a polite way of saying “everything’s gone to hell and no one will admit why.”
Meanwhile, politicians full of caffeine, hubris, and a desperate need to be liked are busy inflating their egos, while casually detonating marketing budgets across the land. It’s hard to plan campaigns when national policy feels like a group project run by people who skipped the brief.
And yes, somewhere in this fever dream I found myself wondering why NATO doesn’t simply sort out Russia like an annoyed parent separating two children in a Tesco car park, because apparently international geopolitics should be as simple as “just stop it.” We all love Ukraine (at least on Instagram), so surely everyone should just behave accordingly.
Then there’s the small matter of Trump, who continues to defy science, reason, and all known narrative arcs, to remain politically relevant. I don’t know how he keeps doing it – at this point I suspect a deal with the universe, or perhaps just very committed voters with questionable Wi-Fi.
But let’s be honest: I’ve got about as much chance of influencing global affairs as a cat correcting monetary policy, so instead of fixing the world, I will do the next logical thing; look inward, make tea, and get back to work.
